| What did you say? |
| When was the last time you asked someone that or someone asked you? Often, the asker has an assumption of what was meant and doesn’t like it. Where we grew up, “What did you say?” is actually asked to give the other person an opportunity to reconsider what they said. There are memes about that and there is a tendency to assume a negative meaning where more than one meaning is possible. A change in perspective we encourage in relationships where negative assumptions occur is: Clarification before assumption. Even when you think you know, curiously ask what someone means. “Tell me some more about that.” “I’m curious what you mean when you say that.” These are powerful requests/questions. A fundamental truth about conversations: You don’t get to determine what someone else meant by what they said. Additionally, others don’t get to determine what you meant by what you said. A fun and informative conversation about what was meant by something spoken involves words likely used in your wedding vows: love, honorand cherish. Take them one at a time. We’ve found that when a man vows, “I will love, honor, and cherish you,” he has a picture of what he means by each of those words. We’ve also found that what he was thinking when he said them was not what she was thinking when she heard them. Likewise, we have found that when a woman vows to “love, honor, and cherish” she has in mind things that don’t occur to him when he hears her say each word. Have fun with that remembering that the goal is not to agree, it’s to understand and appreciate. |
